The Kitten Without a Smile
by Sleeping Tiger
Summary: [oneshot] As Tugger looks to the stars, one cat recalls the sad circumstances that brought him to that point and time, and how the lives of the Jellicles were turned upside down by just one precious kitten.


_Not to get angsty on anyone, but I've had this story in the works for a long time, and was never able to get it just right. I think there is still things I could work on it, but it's sooo much better than what it first was. A lot was cut out of it, but I feel it actually strengthened the story of the narrator, as well of the cats spoken of! Without further ado, enjoy the story!_

_Disclaimer: I am not Andrew Lloyd Webber, T.S. Eliot, or by any means a great and accomplished producer of plays or writer of poetry or fiction in general. The cats indicated in this story are from the musical Cats, and the story is by me...with inspiration from a multitude of other works. I'm not profiting off it, anyways..._**  
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**The Kitten Without a Smile**

I look up at him, the Rum Tum Tugger, as he watches the stars. It was something he rarely did…before. Now, he did it every night there was a clear sky. He was lost, and no one knew how to bring him back. There was only one little queen who could manage that. She was the one who forever changed him.

It began on one of my days spent in the junkyard. Everyone was very relaxed. Then burst in Tugger. It was usual for him to destroy the peace with his entrance. It was unusual, however, the frantic air he had about him. Everyone raced around, unsure of what to make of his anxious state. I had never seen him look so frightened. And as my eyes traveled down to his arms, I saw what had worried him so. He had found a kitten. "Tugger," I managed, reaching a paw out, but he pulled back.

"Don't touch her," he said in an authoritative voice I had never heard him use before. There was no time to react to this. The other cats had come by then, and chaos ensued as he carried the tiny bundle away to be checked.

Of course, we helped her. Of course, we took her in. We had, after all, helped her survive. But now, we took on the incredible burden of helping her _live_. I didn't know what she had been through. I'll never know. I would never ask. But I could only imagine it must have been horrible for her. I had never seen a kitten so wisplike, or move with such a listless manner. She should have been full of life! Instead, she wouldn't even acknowledge being spoken to. What little she said was done in a soft whisper. We begged her to eat, but she would simply call, "mama…" We thought she would die of a broken spirit.

That was, until Tugger insisted they leave her with him.

I remember being pulled away from the den as I watched him sit beside the kitten, reaching out a paw and talking softly to her. I don't know what he did. I thought he would make it worse. But he managed to use that charm of his on her.

I watched silently from the side, as he showered her with affection and attention, and she gave just as much back. And finally, to see that kitten look up to him one day, and for the first time, bless us with her smile. And she never stopped!

So we named her Etcetera. She quickly became both a pain in my side and a joy for all of us to have around. Bolting from one end of the junkyard to the next, inciting the other kittens to follow her, most of the adults became agitated with her easily. It was a complete change from what she had been before. And it was all thanks to Tugger. To whom she became absolutely infatuated with.

She would lavish attention and affection on him to no end, coddling his ego – as though it weren't big enough! I swear, he became more and more arrogant with each passing scream that kitten saved just for him. And as his arrogance grew, the memory of that frail kitten diminished. Everyone would have forgotten that Tugger was the one who gave her that smile.

If only we could have forgotten that memory...

But when her laughter began to lessen, we would remember that frail creature. _She's just maturing_, we reasoned. She couldn't keep up with the other kittens. _She has to get tired too, right?_ She would greet her precious Tugger with only a smile and a purr. _Perhaps she has a new infatuation_. But then, she found it harder to find a reason to smile. And the realization dawned on us.

Etcetera was dying.

_But she's still a kitten_, some said. _It's not possible_, others said, thinking it a sick joke. And I couldn't begin to comprehend how something with no limit to her energies could succumb to the sickness that brought her to us to begin with. But Tugger…he said nothing. He didn't deal with the issue at all.

Everyone did what they could for her. The kittens reduced their playtime so they could play with her. The elder cats doted over her. The adult cats made sure no one over exerted her. But Tugger tried his best to ignore her.

She was fading so fast. We were all beside ourselves with what to do.

That's when he began to stare up at the sky, looking for answers that would never come to him. I sat beside him some nights. At times, I wanted to yell at him. But everyone else was doing that for me. Other times, I wanted to comfort him. But he seemed so far from my reach, I didn't know how to get to him. So I just sat with him. And said nothing. The heavy thoughts hung in the air, clouding our reality. Until finally, he spoke to me. "I can't do it," he said softly.

I was baffled. "Do what?"

"I can't do anything," he said. "I tried so hard to help her…" His voice faded into nothing and he went silent again.

"You did, though," I said gently. No response. "You gave her life."

"She's _losing_ her life!" he said, erupting so suddenly, I cowered. "All I did was prolong the inevitable! I can't…" He crumpled down as quickly as he had exploded. "I wanted to take care of her. I failed."

"No," I soothed. "You did…give her reason for life. She would have died in the streets, and never known what happiness was." He made a muffled sound, like he was choking back a sob. "Damn it, Tugger, if it wasn't for you, she would have only known a miserable life. She may have just become another dead kitten the humans are happy to replace." Finally, I had to say it. "Don't take it away from her." I got up and took his shaking paw. "Go and see her. For her sake."

Everyone always admired the Rum Tum Tugger for everything he was, and hated him for everything he wasn't. I never thought it would be a burden to be him. But taking his paw at that moment, seeing the loss in his eyes, I couldn't see him the same ever again. The second I led Tugger to the little queen kitten, I knew none of us could ever turn back. Nor would we want to.

I watched him walk away from everything he knew and walk blindly into uncertainty. She instantly took attention when he came in. And I watched the scene unfold, transfixed, unable to look away.

He sat next to her, and she curled up against him, purring quietly at his presence. She acted as though he had been there every moment of her declining health. "Tugger?" she asked. She looked so weak. "What's it like…in the Heaviside Layer?" I didn't think he would be able to handle it. He looked stunned, trapped, ready to run out in tears. But he held it together. "That's where cats go…when they die, right?" asked the meek voice. "I want to know…I don't want to be scared."

Chocking back tears, he held the kitten close. "Everyone is happy again in the Heaviside. There's no reason…to be sad. Cats who were old and crippled are kittens again, waiting for the chance to return to a different life. Kittens…who always wanted to reach adulthood…grow up to be as beautiful as they dreamed. Time is as quiet or fun as they want it to be. Anything you'd ever want is there…"

"But…" whispered the kitten, taking in a raspy breath. "The only thing that's sad there is that they miss the ones they left behind."

Tugger went silent for a moment, hugging her as close as he could, being as gentle as he could. "Yeah," he replied softly. "That's the only reason any cat would ever want to be reborn and come back"

"If I'm reborn," Etcetera said softly, "I want to be someone you could fall in love with."

"Oh, Etcie," he said sadly, kissing her forehead. "You wouldn't have to leave that beautiful place for me…I already love you." He took up her paw and kissed it, unable to stop from crying, beginning to weep, his tears falling on her head. She lay weakly in his arms, a frail smile appearing on her face. It was only a ghost of what it had been, mingled with concern for Tugger's breaking heart, but I knew she could leave the world happier than she ever knew it before.

I had to leave them. I couldn't intrude on her only moments with the tom she loved.

I couldn't go back there. I couldn't deal. I was now the one, looking to the sky, waiting for the inevitable to fall upon us.

Her smile was so bright, slowly dimming, but forever beautiful. And then, it was only a memory.

I remember there was a horrible sound that night. It was like a beast had entered the junkyard. I learned later that a body in mourning can create an ungodly sound, a moaning, the souls form of crying. And it haunted me to the core.

We all gathered around the den, knowing what had happened, not wanting to speak it, not wanting it to be true. I crept forward and looked in, seeing Tugger weeping, unable to hold back, sobbing openly, crying over the kitten once so full of life, that was now gone. He wouldn't let anyone near her. He wouldn't let anyone touch Etcetera. And I watched, unable to pry my eyes away from him.

The Rum Tum Tugger, proudest cat I have ever known, and I could barely recognize him. He was so open, so vulnerable. Jenny tried to coax the kitten away from him. She implored him to let go, but Tugger held on to the limp little kitten.

"Bombalurina…" I turned to tom who whispered my name. Munkustrap had tears in his eyes as well, and could only manage to bid me away from the scene. Everyone else was leaving as well. I forgot they were even there. But I was glad he called me away. It was too painful to watch. I couldn't begin to feel his pain.

So now, he watches the stars, waiting for answers that will never come. Too far away for any of us to reach, yet I stay by his side. He had spilled his true self, after concealing it so carefully. For the sake of her addictive smile, he was forever changed, thinking of only one name - not his own, not ever again. Thinking of the only queen he would ever love.


End file.
